My happy ending

The new beginning is at http://twinproject.blogspot.com...

We welcome with love....

Claire, 6:53 PM, 5 lbs 7 oz, 17 3/4"
Katherine, 6:55, 6 lbs 4 oz, 18 1/2"
September 6, 2006



The babies are eating and growing wonderfully, and I'm recovering well. I don't think I've ever been so in love.

Details and pictures to follow in the next day or two.

PixelWatch: Prepartum depression?

If there's such a thing as prepartum depression, I think I have it. I'm still struggling with the emotional aftereffects of the weekend's false labor fiasco, and while I had a reasonably good day yesterday in terms of physical symptoms, today has been horrible from the minute I woke up.

Both Pixels passed their biophysical profile in record time (less than 10 minutes), and so I got to be Dr. Dreamboat's first patient, meaning that at least I didn't have to sit around forever and wait. When he walked in and asked me how I was, though, I totally lost it and just started sobbing, the usual I-can't-do-this-any-more routine. Sweet man that he is, he went and consulted with the perinatologists to see if there was any way that we could go ahead and do the C-section now, but they (unsurprisingly) said no. Technically, the babies will still be preterm for another week, and while they will gladly do the section the moment I am officially in labor, hospital policy just won't let me have them now. I do understand that, really -- it's just that I am losing my mind, and falling apart physically.

I didn't get a cervix check today, since I just couldn't stand the thought of being poked at, and I knew that it would only make me more upset not to be any farther dilated. It's not like it would make any difference anyway -- being at 4cm doesn't win you any babies unless you're also contracting, and if I do start contracting again, I'll go to the hospital anyway. Dr. Dreamboat is the on-call doc on Saturday, and he did say that if I come in then, he will be very generous with his definition of labor, and that frequent contractions will be good enough for him to call it time However, if I don't manage it before then (and he kept saying he really thinks I will), the babies will be born on Thursday of next week, 9/14.

My next hope is for this coming Thursday, since that's the full moon. I want to try some labor induction techniques, but I'm not sure I can manage any of the usual tricks. Spicy food is right out because of the heartburn, and G won't go along with the sex plan because he wants me to make it to next week. Getting out and walking would be good except that I literally almost can't walk at all, what with the hugely swollen feet and the babies all smooshed down in my hips; I'm afraid to try without G around in case something happens, and I know he'd tie me in my recliner rather than let me go walking. I also can't get into or out of the car by myself to go buy castor oil or evening primrose oil or anything like that (I told you I was falling apart). Hmmm, possibly I could talk my mother into smuggling me some Cervidil?

Alternately, I could just go have another glass of wine, which sounds like a very good idea just now, at least if I can manage to make it into the kitchen.

PixelWatch: Failure to progress

I really thought we were going to have Pixels last night, but after 14+ hours in the hospital, I'm home again, with the babies still in my belly rather than my arms.

I started having contractions every 5-6 minutes around 8PM last night, which isn't unusual for me, but I noticed some extra wetness along with them, and thought I might be leaking amniotic fluid. Given that, I only waited an hour to go in to L&D rather than doing my usual two-hour irritable uterus watch. As it turned out, it wasn't amniotic fluid after all, but when they got me there and put me on the monitor, the contractions were down to every 3-4 minutes. I wasn't dilated any farther than Tuesday's 3cm, but they said they weren't about to send a 35-week twin pregnancy with those kind of contractions home, so they sent me upstairs to L&D to wait for my cervix to dilate. At 35 weeks (still technically preterm), they wouldn't do a C-section unless I was in active labor, and unfortunately for me the definition of active labor they use is regular contractions and 4cm dilation. However, everyone seemed to think that I'd manage to squeak out that one measly centimeter, and that we'd be having some babies.

By the time we made it upstairs, we were down to every 3 minutes, sometimes 2, and stayed that way. At 4 AM, there was no cervix change, so Dr. Yacht (the other RE in my mom's practice, the one who did our actual IUI) wanted to wait a couple more hours. So we did, and at 6 AM, there was still no change, at which point I burst into tears. These weren't painless BHs -- they were getting up to 60-70 on the toco monitor, and they HURT -- and I was starting to get really exhausted from the constant effort, not to mention that I was starving and thirsty and very uncomfortable from being on my back. I took the proffered Stadol, even though we were all starting to think that it would probably just shut down the contractions entirely. By that point it was pretty doubtful that I'd be having the babies anyway, and though I desperately wanted them to do the section, I was so tired that if I couldn't have my babies, I just wanted to stop hurting and go home.

Surprisingly, the Stadol didn't stop the contractions entirely. They got somewhat less organized -- lower peaks, spaced out somewhat, and there was a lot more random uterine activity in between -- but after the Stadol wore off, they went right back up to the previous frequency, though perhaps not the same strength. However, since the double-damned cervix still refused to get with the program, the decision was made to send me home. It took them a couple hours to get everything together, so it was 10 AM by the time G drove me home, sobbing and contracting the whole way.

Somewhere between then and 3 PMish, the contractions finally petered out -- I'm not sure exactly when, because I drugged myself up with a couple benadryls and a glass of wine, which combined with my complete and total exhaustion was enough for me to eventually get me to doze off despite the contractions. (By the way, I think that a pregnant woman drinking wine at 11 AM on a Sunday probably violated at least three or four laws in this staunchly Baptist state.) Now that I'm awake, I am still having some, but there isn't really a pattern to it. Honestly, I think my uterus is just exhausted -- I feel like I've done a thousand sit-ups -- and that it probably still wants to contract, but can't muster the energy to do so effectively.

I'm not sure I can really convey how sad and discouraged and frustrated I am right now. G still wants the babies to hold off to 37 weeks, so while he makes the proper soothing noises, he doesn't really understand. Me, I'm emotionally and physically exhausted -- I was so sure we were going to get to meet our babies, and so ready to have them, and it just feels so unfair that I have been put through the labor wringer and still not gotten any damn babies out of it. I'm absolutely pissed that it's just one centimeter away, and that my stupid body can't manage to dilate that tiny little bit, even after all that effort. And now I don't trust my ability to know when it's time to go in again, barring something obvious like my water breaking; they told me "if the contractions increase in intensity or frequency", WHILE I WAS CONTRACTING EVERY THREE MINUTES, and practically ringing the bell at the top of the fucking monitor. How the hell do you increase from that? And how many times are we going to do this over the next two weeks?

Everyone assures me that the next time will probably be the real thing, and that it will probably happen very soon now. I can't make myself believe them, and I don't think that I'll even be able to get excited about it. You're supposed to be all happy and anticipatory about going into labor and having the babies, and instead, I'm just going to be dreading Round 2 of the labor-that-isn't. I woke up and found I'd lost a big chunk of mucus plug, and it just started me crying again, because I'm sure it's meaningless.

I know this is an absolutely rotten attitude to have -- I should be on-my-knees grateful that I've kept the Pixels in for 35 weeks (and to estimated weights of 6 lbs), and even more thankful that I might get to carry them to term. I feel terrible about being so upset, but somehow I still can't seem to pull my head out of my ass about it.

All this, over one fucking centimeter.

PixelWatch: Yep, still pregnant

It's August 31st, and I would very much like to have these babies today. This is partly because I'm just plain ready, partly because Dr. Dreamboat will be out of town (again) for Labor Day weekend, and partly because this is the last day for the school-year cutoff.

That may sound really, really superficial, but actually, it could turn out to be a pretty important thing in years to come. In our area, children must have turned 5 on or before August 31st in order to start kindergarten, which means that if they're not born today, they'll have to sit out another year. If they're anything like their mother, who learned to read before her third birthday, they will then be deadly bored and eventually wind up skipping a grade. I don't know how difficult it would be for them to skip a year at an early age -- I skipped 8th grade, and it wasn't easy socially -- but really, I'd rather them not have to skip at all. If the school district won't bend on it (and I've heard they are pretty inflexible), we may be looking at homeschooling or private school. We might consider those choices anyway, but it irritates me to no end that I might be pushed into them, or that my girls might have to be put through skipping a grade, over such a stupid thing as whether I go into labor today or this weekend.

However, I've now had two pretty good days, with relatively few contractions, and I suspect that means I'm probably not going to go into labor today. I've actually had a lot of energy (which I am totally hoping is the fabled pre-birth nesting), and haven't really felt too miserable at all. I had a brief bout of ugliness last evening -- painful contractions and generally feeling icky -- and I was hopeful that it might be the end. I lay down in order to be more comfortable, promptly fell asleep, and woke up two hours later to realize that it was just another false alarm. I've had some painless BHs this morning, but I'm pretty much thinking that today is not going to be the day. Grrrr.

So, it looks like more crocheting and knitting and Buffy-ing and piddling around the house for me today. Blanket #2 is finished (maybe they were waiting for that, and they can come now?), so I might work on booties and my bolero and maybe try to improvise some thread-crochet booties, since The Most Evil Booties Pattern Ever didn't quite work out as planned. I've never really done thread crochet before, so I don't feel as comfortable "just winging it" as I do with yarn, but I have searched in vain for another downloadable thread crochet pattern I can work with, so that would seem to be my only option. I suppose I could just go out and buy a pair at the local Pretty and Pricey Baby Store, reverse-engineer the pattern, and maybe tweak to suit, but that might just be too easy!

PixelWatch: Now we're getting somewhere

We have progress! At this morning's visit to Dr. Dreamboat, I was still 70% effaced, but I have gone from 1cm to 3cm dilated! Dr. Dreamboat says he will be very surprised if I make it to my next week's appointment, and that it could really be any day now. We didn't schedule the C-section this week, because he thinks I'll never make it to 37 weeks, but we'll re-evaluate if I'm still around next Tuesday. He said he'd make sure to alert the OB Receiving staff that I might well be coming through, and to remind them to call him when I do. If I'm having regular contractions and dilate just 1cm more, it'll officially be baby time, and dear Lord but I am ready for it. Perhaps Nico and I will both have our babies tomorrow?

Both Pixels passed their biophysical profile again, though they still didn't give me weights on them. Baby A was, as usual, not very keen on doing her practice breathing, and had to get buzzed three times before she would cooperate. It's a little weird to think that this was probably our last ultrasound!

Physically, I'm still feeling pretty wretched. I did wind up having a glass of wine yesterday afternoon, and then another late in the evening to calm down an irregular run of contractions and help me sleep. I'm not sure it helped that much, but I at least felt more relaxed. I have mixed feelings about stopping the contractions -- I want to have productive contractions, but if they're just going to start and stop and jerk me around physically and emotionally, I'd rather shut them back down. I doubt any home remedies would stop real labor, though, so it's probably nothing to worry about. Unfortunately, red wine + heartburn isn't the best combination in the world, so I may try good old Benadryl today if necessary.

As of today, I'm out on maternity leave. I'm officially planning on staying out until about mid-November, but in truth, I think it's pretty likely that I won't go back (except to turn in my resignation and work for the duration of my notice). The idea of the last day of work is even weirder than that of the last ultrasound, but honestly, it's more than past time. I'm miserable enough that I've been getting almost nothing done for several days, and it's such a load off me to know that I have no more important priorities for the day than watching old episodes of Buffy and finishing up blanket #2. If I get really ambitious, maybe I'll even go piddle around in the nursery for a bit, and of course there is always my nap!

PixelWatch: Still no babies, dammit

(Caution: cheese is highly recommended to go with all this whine)

Still having lots of contractions, but every time I start to think that they've settled in enough to go in to L&D, they peter back out. I've had two runs of them this morning, and I am just about to lose it. False labor be damned, these are *uncomfortable*, and I am so discouraged at the thought of days or even weeks of this that I'm in tears.

I want them to stay in another week or two, I really do. They'll be fine health-wise, but 34-weekers are still small and developmentally immature, and the frustration of sleeping and breastfeeding difficulties will be worse than what I'm feeling now. Honestly, though, I don't see how we're going to make it much longer. I can't imagine all this isn't having some kind of effect on my cervix, and if it's going to be soon, I just wish we would stop having false alarms and just get it over with already.

I really wish that instead of the cervix dilating, your belly button would dilate, or your toenails would turn blue, or SOME kind of external sign would appear that would tell you how close you are to delivery. Failing that, though, I am really seriously considering cracking open that bottle of wine that's in the pantry. I know, the idea of a very pregnant woman drinking wine just seems wrong (and truthfully, the heartburn is still present enough that it doesn't even sound very appetizing). However, it really is recommended (in reasonable quantities) by midwives for calming down prodromal labor and relaxing the mother. So what if it's only just noon?